A long blog, wherein the author sulks in a pool and cries in Jakarta

§ August 15th, 2010 § Filed under Uncategorized § No Comments

I couldn’t really bear to write a closing blog before leaving Bali because it would mean admitting the finality of the trip, which I knew would be obvious once the plane took off.  So instead, I spent my last morning reading by the pool, enjoying a massage and then finally being taken away to the airport. 

I spent my last night on the island in the sleepy beach town of Sanur, hoping to have some quality beach time after weeks near the rice plateaus.  I must admit I was sorely dissapointed, realizing I was in a rather tourist trap sort of town with not that pretty of a beach and very expensive, well, everything (compared to Ubud, that is).  Everywhere I went people tried to talk me into buying things and I quickly missed the sweet curiousity of all the people I spoke with in Ubud. I realized that there were couples just about everywhere.  After seeing the kagillionth couple sauntering down the street holding hands while I sat and read a book, I just about crumpled into myself, missing my husband more than I really thought I could ever miss a person.  I’m accustomed to traveling and going on adventures, it has always felt like a big part of who I am.  But I really would rather go on these adventures with him.  Plain and simple.  And I am really, really grateful that he was so gracious and caring that he completely supported me wanting to run off for several weeks to a beautiful place to study yoga.  But still, I miss him and I hope my teacher was right when I received my teaching certificate and he commented "Quyen will be proud, won’t he?" 

Anyway, I tried to make the most of Sanur by taking care of last minute things and enjoying a nice walk around the beach as well as time by the pool.  But then I got into a late night funk, swimming in the pool while the hotel was quiet, all the Europeans presumably off for their late dinners.  While lapping around in the beautiful pool, I frowned thinking about how lonely it felt and realizing that all the sounds of life I heard in the rice fields every night seemed to lessen the blow of not having my sweet little family around me.  I  remembered Q and I swimming in the pool at night on our recent trip to the Dominican Republic- how we’d dodge bats and then the oafish rottweiler that lived in the B&B compound ran up to Quyen, licking water off his shoulders.  (Thank goodness for that dog, who softened Q enough to finally allow us to get a dog and now we have our part Rotty, Sasha!). 

Anyway, during my wet sulk in the pool, a little voice spoke up to me in my little head and said "You’re in paradise and you’re sulking?!  Get over it!"  and I felt like a lightened up a bit, remembering that our thoughts make us who we are: happy, sad, irritable, lonely, whatever.  Then I awoke in a similar somber mood, feeling sad I wouldn’t walk through the fields to practice yoga with everyone like usual. So I just laid the mat out on the sterile hotel floor and did it myself and it all came back, just like that.  The feelings of peace, of it is going to be alright, of I can just be where I am doing what I do, wherever and whatever that is.  That’s the gift of yoga.  So the purpose of practice is not simply to feel good, stay in shape or prevent injuries, although those are all nice too.  Rather, the reason is to LIVE PRESENTLY and to be equipped to respond, rather than react, to the world as it is. 

During some of the meditations on our retreat, my teachers would say things to prepare us for the idea of coming home.  It almost seemed unnecessary for me to be preparing, since my trip was short and it was 2 months of longer for other students.  However, I adjusted quickly and still reaped benefits from 2 weeks in a retreat environment and in a beautiful town where prana and sweetness emanates from, well, just about everywhere and everyone.  Part of the retreat environment is just being more open and vulnerable, which can make it hard to transition back to the "real world", where there’s an inevitable struggle between wanting to hold onto that openness but then realizing it might make things a bit harder, perhaps causing a return to those old and unhelpful habit.  So you teeter-totter between wanting to get through your day to day life without looking like a wussy but also not wanting to let go of the beautiful insights that came forth.  Its tough, and I remember it being tough even after short retreats.

I decided Sanur was a smart-ish idea because it got me away from those amazingly mesmerizing rice fields, where sometimes there are bright lightning bugs at night and the sounds lull you to sleep.  I needed a step down from that magic to get me ready for 2 days of travel and then my return to the US, where I’ll be back in the big city and back to my responsibilities.  So Sanur was kind of sterile and a bit dull, which was likely what I needed.  I saw the sun set on the ocean as I boarded the plane to leave Bali and felt wistful as the plane left the island to fly towards Jakarta, my first stop.  I’ll be back on Bali, of this I am sure. 

My stop in Jakarta seemed simple.   A few hours wait and then I’d board a flight to Seoul, then a 12 hour layover and then my 10 hour flight back home to Seattle (you know it sucks when your layover is longer than your flight!).  But Jakarta, instead, was massively confusing.  I was pointed in many different directions and any formal stop I had to make to show my paperwork revealed that I didn’t have the paperwork I needed or what I did have was confusing.  Ultimately, I figured out that there were two confusing things at play: 1.  I already did all my immigration stuff to leave Indonesia while in Denpasar, Bali as I was directed to there and 2. I was only trasnsferring to another flight in Jakarta, while many assumed I was here to stay. 

Now I must admit that I am pretty airport savvy.  By golly, I should be at this point.  I travel well and have been in airports my whole life, from those frequent trips from Texas to Minnesota as a kid and then when I packed off to Europe for a year in high school, then to Central America, then two years in Africa, then little trips here and there and frequent domestic trips to see friends and family all the time as well.  Indonesia marked the 26th foreign country I’ve visited.  I like traveling, to be sure (and living abroad, which I’m itching to do again).  So, I read the signs of where to go and walked in the direction as I saw fit.  At one point, I tried to walk through a doorway leading me to the Non-Garuda Indonesia flight transfers and a guy told me "No" and pointed in the direction I came from.  I explained that I didn’t have a transfer on Garuda Indonesia, that I was going to Korea.  He didn’t allow me to pass and turned me around the other way.  I then wandered and asked questions and was eventually told I had to go through customs and actually leave the airport and then go upstairs to check in with Korean air.  (By the way, I love how I flew on Garuda Indonesia… one of my favorite yoga poses is Garudasana!). 

At customs they were all about my declaration papers, which I don’t have because I’m not spending any time in Jakarta and all I wanna do is get on my flight to Korea and eat my bee bim bop, man!  I explained that, not in so many words, to about 5 people and they let me through but only after searching my bag.  I exit the airport, to feel sticky, stifling heat and find an explosion of people, all yelling and asking me if I need transport to here and "where are you going?.. hello miss!… and so on" and I just wanted to yell BEE BIM BOP! but I did not and simply found some stairs, remembering to breathe and let’s not be the ugly American who goes and studies peaceful yoga for 2 weeks and then leaves Bali and gets all red faced and hysterically angry about, well, basically nothing.  I re-enter the airport upstairs, go through baggage checks again and then to the Korean air check in counter.  By the way, my backpack is really heavy. 

Now they were just thoroughly confused by things at the Korean air counter.  The young man working looked totally overwhelmed and possibly terrified and called some tall and official person over to assist, presumably his Boss Man.  They frowned at all my paperwork and asked about some form I don’t have.  I then explained that I just flew in from Bali.   After frowing over all aspects of my paperwork for about 10 minutes, the Boss Man tells me that I could have just walked through the airport to the non-Garuda trasnfer area where someone would have walked me though immigration and I could have just checked in at the gate.  So basically, if I’d been allowed to walk where I wanted to walk then maybe I would have ended up where I needed to be?  (I think).   I sighed and said "They told me to leave the airport and come upstairs through here".  And at this point, my lower lip starts to quiver and yes, my little open heart just starts to shiver and quiver and, yep, I cry as I stutter and say "this has been really confusing!" and then I miss Q all over again.  The two men look scared and surprised, they shake their sheads and make comments about "blah blah blah immigration" and things like that, so I’m assuming they were annoyed on my behalf, which was sweet.  I recalled that Indonesia is a Muslim land, save for the Hindu island of Bali, and remembered in the Gambia how people would get so irritated when I’d cry there, remembering my friend F-girl whisking me away from her mother’s funeral ceremony and ordering me to "wash those tears!  Stop this!".  It was an odd thing, but something I came to understand as a feeling that tears were stifling and desperate, they didn’t help anyone and in the situation of a funeral, they only slowed down the loved one’s soul on their journey to their rightful place.  It made sense in a place like The Gambia, where maybe if you start crying about your losses you might not stop.  Incidentally, we say that at work about all the tragedies we bear witness too- "hey might as well laugh because if I start crying I’ll never stop."  Well such memories didn’t help me feel better, as I confusedly wondered if in Indonesia they view tears in a similar fashion?  Or was it a more African belief in the Gambia?  hmmm.  confusing.  One of my teachers often says there are "extra points for fluids" in yoga, meaning if you cough, cry, puke, whatever, you’re doing what your body and soul need at the time and it is all just a-ok.    So I guess I was getting some extra points there for my tears and sniveling. 

Sigh.  So those 2 men were very helpful and Boss Man had the young man, who looked terrified and wouldn’t look at me straight on, walk me though immigration.  By then the waterworks had stopped, thankfully.  I’m all about being a peaceful warrior but at some point, it is just embarrassing.  Boss Man did a great job printing out all the things I’d need to get me right to Seattle.  He informed me that the Terrified Young Man (he didn’t call him that, of course) would be walking me through immigration and if the Boss Man could have sent Q a text message telling him that all is well and then warmed some water in the kettle for my impending return, well then I’m sure he would have.  He was right on, because each official check point only led to more uniformed people somehow dumbfounded by my paperwork, but Terrified Young Man explained everything, even going into a back office at one point to talk to some official person who also came out to lift up the little velvet rope so I could walk through with my big heavy backpack, my little sunburn and all my bug bites.  They all smiled, which reassured me and I made it to my gate without incident.      

See, a few tears aren’t so bad, right? 

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Dog days of Yoga

§ August 14th, 2010 § Filed under Bali, compassion § Tagged , § No Comments

As I write this, a little white Balinese dog is sitting at my feet.  Or, more specifically, he is actually sitting upon my right foot. 

I miss my pets.

Of course, I also miss my husband, our cute apartment, our funny neighbors and watering the little backyard garden.  I’m alone most of the time here, so I miss having someone I know really well to talk to.  And, while I’m not really missing the actual work of work, I do miss my work friends.

I also miss my pets.  Did I mention that?

Bob and Sasha are a big part of our lives.  I am sure that if an outsider were to sit in on a dinner conversation between my husband and me, they’d surely comment that we need to have some babies and stop obsessing over our pets.  I get that and I agree.  But we love our funny pets.  They provide endless amounts of entertainment as well as unconditional love.  That feels pretty good after a hard day..  Both animals were rescued: Bob was a stray and Sasha from the Humane Society.  So it warms my little heart to think of what a nice life they both have, even if it didn’t start so well for them.

Sasha lovin on Bob and Bob kinda liking it

Many people on the yogic path are like I am- they love cats, dogs and other animals.  They may have their own pets or are just kind to the animals they run across.  Many times, Bob and Sasha have curled up beside me while I’m meditating or they crawl around underneath me while in downward facing dog.  Trying to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others is a huge part of the yogic path, so of course that includes being kind to animals.  But then we learn that animals actually bring a lot to us as well- they give us unconditional love and affection.  They are funny and cute.  They also remind us how lucky we are to have the choices and the will that only humans have- they remind us of the precious human life.  After all, Sasha can’t help but want to eat her poop and Bob can’t help but get in the same territorial fights with the neighbor cats over and over again (and has the scratches on his cute face to show!).

There are lots of animals here in Bali.  There are toads, all sorts of loud birds, geckos (they poo all over my house, in fact) as well as lots of dogs and cats.  The dogs are all about the same size (fairly small), have pointy ears and puffy tails.  Most of them look grungey but they also seem, well, okay.  Guidebooks inform that the dogs in Bali are to be feared and avoided.  While I sometimes have a dog run up to me and bark angrily, it seems they are only trying to protect their compound.  If I take one step towards them, demonstrating my dominance, they quickly run away.  Balinese recommend either throwing rocks at the dogs or motioning as if you’d throw a rock.  This seems to be a gesture the dogs are accustomed to and they wince in fear accordingly.

Most of the dogs look pretty hungry.  I decided it would be nice to carry around some biscuits and give them to the dogs I see every day.  There’s the dirty white one lying in the middle of the road.  The black and white one with no teeth (“Gummer”, as one of my fellow yogis calls him, and the star of the above video).  The not-as-dirty white one that sometimes runs into my house.  How nice it would be if they all had biscuits!  Those dogs would be happy to see me and I’d be happy to see them.  After a while, during my walk to yoga class, I’d have a collection of sweet little dogs to walk through the rice field with me.

White dogs in the ricefield

Dirty white dog

White dog on a biscuit visit

To show that not all the dogs here are white

I got a little carried away, didn’t I?

Well, no big surprise that the biscuit plan didn’t work as I’d hoped.  In fact, the motion of me reaching into my bag and holding out my hand seems to terrify all of the dogs.  I then tried carrying a biscuit and then setting it on the ground for the dog, but this also causes them to run away.  Some of the dogs have been completely undone by the mere act of me stopping to face them instead of simply walking on.  As a result, they save special barks and meanness for me, especially Gummer, who was probably offended by my biscuit offering.  (“I can’t eat a biscuit!  I have no teeth, lady!”)  So far the only luck I’ve had is with the white dog who runs in my house, he will take the biscuit straight from me and then hang around until I give him more.

As for the cats, they are much more elusive.  They all look like large kittens- very thin and small with litte heads and big ears.  They slink around at night and hang out upon roofs of houses and up high in trees.  I didn’t see any cats or pet any cats for days, until little Eco started to pay me some visits!

The other morning I was upstairs getting ready for class.  I heard “mew! mew! mew!’ coming from downstairs.  Excited, nearly breathless, I made my way downstairs to find a small white cat with black spots.  The cat ran into my house to escape the rain and was cooing and mewling, rubbing against walls and furniture.  I pet the kitty, getting purrs in exchange.  Expecting the cat to be hungry, I searched for some food.  I had peanuts, soymilk, fruit and yogurt.  Hmmm.  I tried feeding all of these items to the small cat and not suprisingly, she wasn’t interested.  I asked her to please come back and promptly went to the shop to buy some tuna fish.  2 days later, I came home from class in the evening and finding the house stuffy, I opened the balcony door upstairs.  Little one was on the balcony mewing!  She had a tuna fish feast, only eating half the small can, and then ran back the balcony and was off.  She has since visited quite a bit.  Incidentally, I’ve since found out that she lives at the vegan cafe I frequent, hence the hippie name!  :)

I’m pretty grateful for the entertainment and sweetness these Balinese animals have brought during my time here.  It has certainly helped lessen the sting of missing my sweet pets!

The Balinese people seem to really understand and respect the cycles of life.  They really are kind to the animals, even though they won’t be buying cashmere sweaters and $100 organic food for their pets as a Seattlite might do.  The cats really are around to keep rodents away and the dogs help in the farms.  Still, the animals are respected and part of daily routine.  Offerings are made when animals die.  One day as I walked to class I saw someone hit a dog with a motorbike.  It was awful and scary.  The dog ran off, yelping and later I saw him with a broken leg but he does seem to be okay.  the dog had a broken leg afterwards.  Shortly afterwards, many people came out to the street and shook their heads at the careless driver, upset that the dog was so hurt.  So even though animals may be regarded as unimportant in many parts of the world, they seem to very much be a part of the ebb and flow of life here on Bali.   § Read the rest of this entry…

Little update

§ August 11th, 2010 § Filed under Uncategorized § No Comments

Hi everyone.  So my computer is being slow or else I’d post some more pictures, but I guess that will have to wait until later.

Everything is quite good and I’m feeling just chilllll……  I’ve been staying busy with yoga, walking and studying the Upanishads, as well as the occasional dinner or lunch with fellow students.  Yesterday I had a consultation with an Ayurvedic doctor, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.  The cost is much less here in Bali than in the states, for sure.  The consultation was very illuminating and also quite validating as many of the things that came through were things I’d felt I have going on anyway.  The doctor recommended I do a 3 day fast and also recommended some other treatments.  I am going to do the fast during my travel time, since I’m just sitting around anyway.  So now I’m doing kind of a pre-fast, eating mainly cooked vegetables but not any rice, bread or anything like that.  My favorite part of the experience was receiving a “prescription”, which was 2 written pages with everything from what I should and shouldn’t eat regularly, what to do in the wintertime, etc.  Very different from a Western doctor who simply gives a pill.  Interestingly, one of the imbalances I’m dealing with, which manifests as anxiety and feeling unsure (vata imbalance), is thought to be a result of my partying and unhealthy days as a teen and young adult.  Amazing that it had such an effect on my immune system that I still feel it at 32.  It was very wonderful to hear from the doctor that the anxiety is very unnatural for me, that my natural constitution is very steady and energetic, secure and able to deal with a lot of stress without any big worries.  She said “that stuff, it isn’t you at all!” which explains why the anxiety, when it comes up, has been so challenging for me to deal with.  Anyway, I’m glad to know everything that is going on so I can do something about it.

So the time here is winding down.  I’ll be spending Saturday, my last night in Bali, at the beach and then I fly out on Sunday.

Things are great.  The yoga is wonderful, the island is amazing and I’m extremely grateful for my teachers and the other students I’m sharing this experience with.  I’m also excited to eventually go home to see my loved ones there.  So I feel very blessed.

Om shanti!

Beauty heals.

§ August 7th, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Yoga § Tagged , , § No Comments

Beauty saves. Beauty heals. Beauty motivates. Beauty unites. Beauty returns us to our origins, and here lies the ultimate act of saving, of healing, of overcoming dualism.
-Matthew Fox

There’s a little cafe with vegan goodies just down the walkway from my guest house.  There is wi-fi and new age music.  When you come in and sit you are served a small glass of rose water, very soothing on a warm day.  Fresh flowers brighten each table and there is a corner with cushions and low tables for those who prefer to sit on the ground.  Yep, it is a hippie place and I love it.  The food is amazing.  Tonight I’m having a banana cashew smoothie and a fresh salad with roasted eggplant and fresh avocado.  Perhaps gluten free orange cake with cashew cream for dessert if I have room in the belly.  I come here a lot because it is convenient but also because it is delicious.  Usually when I leave they say “see you tomorrow!”.

Today was a day off from yoga class.  I previously imagined I’d take the weekend to travel around the island but instead I’m relaxing in Ubud.  I went into town to do some market shopping and then had a 2 hour massage treatment.  The treatment involved a 75 minute massage following by a body scrub with various herbs that brought heat into the body to improve circulation and help sore muscles.  It was just what I wanted, and I especially loved the herbal bath that followed.  I felt like I was in a giant teacup and was completely blissed out.  I was then presented with a plate of fresh fruit and a cup of ginger tea. Aaaaahhhh!   A massage for sore muscles was just what I wanted, especially after the massage I had yesterday with D.

D. is a healer and came highly recommended by my teachers and all the other students.  In fact, the students would speak of massages with him in a very poignant manner “I’m seeing D. today” and everyone would smile, knowingly (except for me!).  Or a student would come into afternoon class late, with relaxed facial muscles and eyes that look like they’d been crying.  ”I just saw D.  Ahhhh!”  So as you can imagine, I wanted to  know what this was all about.  I was told bring your tissues, that he has magic in his hands and that he really gets DEEEEEEP.

D. had to run around a bit to find the house where I’m staying so we started late.  The massage was intense, crazy intense, like just breath and it will be okay.  It will be okay.  I told him it was painful but I knew it was the kind of pain I needed.  He got deep into the tissue and instinctively stepped off when the intensity surpassed what I wanted to feel.  I cried on the little pillow, but not for a reason I could put a finger on.  It was like the old, wordless and nameless pain was coming out of my tissue and into this small man’s magical hands.  I also drooled on the pillow.  The massage went way past the time I imagined it would, so D. gave me a ride on his moped to class.  When I arrived late in the class I smiled and said “I saw D.” and everyone smiled, knowingly.

This island is a place for healing.  Really, truly, that’s what this all seems to be about.  People have amazing skills for healing. Just the smiles on people’s faces have helped me feel light and cheerful during a time when perhaps I was feeling down (missing my husband and pets, no doubt).  Everywhere I go, people say Hello!  and How are you?! but it is in such a sincere manner.  ”Where are you going?” I am often asked on my rice field walk to class.  ”I am going to Sayan,” I reply.  ”Ah!  Sayan!  What are you doing in Sayan?”  I then say “I am studying yoga.”  and then “Ah!  Yogaaa!”  It seems that people are asking where I am going and what I am doing because they just want to make sure I’m okay and they are genuinely curious.  As my teacher said, they are asking after your spiritual well being.

This is such a contrast to places I have traveled before, where I felt I had to armor myself against what often felt like harassment.  2 years in West Africa conditioned me in this way.  The constant yelling of TOUBAB!  (white person), people demanding this and that, men asking where I was going and where I was staying because they wanted to follow me so I would marry them and take them back to the US.  It was hard. Sometimes a group of Peace Corps folks would get together and just complain about all of it.  Sure, there were beautiful things in that place too, in fact the beauty was quite pronounced because there was such obvious suffering and to me, everything felt completely haunted by the tragic history of the land.  I had to have a thick skin in that place and I often felt negative, grumpy and tense.

Bali doesn’t seem to be an easy place.  People get sick, dogs run up to you and bare their teeth, there is not much money.  But Bali is a beautiful and helpful place.  Massages are easy to find and, for a westerner, easy to afford.  Yoga is all over.  (ahh!  yogaaaa!)  Ayurvedic practitioners available for an inexpensive price.  Then the lovely, fresh and healthy food to fill your belly. Beautiful landscape all over.  Temples, incense, Om! and sweet but tough animals.  And best of all, the smiles and the sweetness of the people.

I am feeling better than I have in a very long time, thanks to this place.  Like a heavy, sad weight is being lifted off my shoulders.  I’m not even sure what they weight really is, but I’m quite sure I crunched it down upon myself for unnecessary reasons.  I could probably write endless posts about the sadness, the pain, the regrets, the frustrations just as I’m sure everyone else can.  We all have these weights that hold us down, keep us in unhelpful patterns and cause us to be cruel to ourselves when we should be loving.  I could delve into all of it, but I just don’t want to.  In fact, I think I’ve become quite skilled at seeing what is hard and what is challenging rather than recognizing the freedom that exists in each moment (even the difficult moments).

Tomorrow is another day off.  I plan to spend the morning doing yoga and writing in my house.  In the afternoon I am taking a cooking class (!) where I will learn to make several vegetarian dishes.  Then I hope to share them with my amazing chef of a husband once I’m back in Seattle.

So the adventure will continue for 8 more days.

Until next time, Om shanti shanti!

Me

§ August 6th, 2010 § Filed under Uncategorized, Yoga, compassion, teaching yoga § Tagged , , § No Comments

Left knee popping whenever extended and bearing weight (like walking up stairs).

Left side of the body is much weaker than right; the psoas doesn’t seem to do much work over there.

Limited range of motion in both shoulder joints; cannot bear weight on arms without first laterally rotating.

Very short humerus bones, especially in relation to torso.

Tight shoulder muscles (and then some).

Elbow joint does not go to full 180 degrees but is a bit short of that.

********************

So I’m not perfect and actually far from it.  I’m thankful for this knowledge so that I can understand my body.  Then I can take the best care of myself possible.

My arms are like your arms, Mr. T-Rex.

Om is where the heart is

§ August 4th, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Uncategorized, Yoga, pictures, trips § Tagged , , , , § No Comments

I meant to start writing this earlier, but I was just occupied with a wasp in the bathroom.  After several tries, I successfully trapped it in a cup and then let it outside.  Phew!  A large wasp is not something I want to face in the middle of the night.

How it can be possible that an island like Bali is on this earth and I have been on this earth for roughly 12,000 days, yet it has taken me this long to get here? And then I only stay for 2 weeks?  Why not longer?  Why not get a lease that would cost, like, 1/100th of my rent in Seattle and just chill here?  Q and Sasha would surely love it here as well, and maybe Bobby too (that’s a big maybe).  I could make paintings, tempeh, mandalas, offerings, I dunno I could make something.  My main occupation would be just to smile and say “hello!” in a sweet sing songly voice.

Things are in full swing, as they well should be since I left the US one week ago.  I feel acclimated to the time, I’m enjoying the food and really enjoying all of the yoga.  I have more freckles, flip flop tan lines and am accustomed to hearing frog sounds while going to sleep.

Bali is amazing but as my teachers said, it can also bring you to your knees.  Many of the students have been ill and very challenged.  I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I woke up ill, and I’ve certainly been there before!  I had a crying spell in our meditation this morning, which happens every once in a while and usually feels quite cathartic.  During the meditation, my teacher spoke of a quote about the work of “transforming something ugly into something beautiful” (I think that’s what it was) and it really struck a chord with me, reminding me of my amazing and difficult line of work.  I think that’s what we do as social workers every day- trying to pull the shining, sparkling hopeful thread out of a giant mess of sadness and dysfunction.  So I felt a bit on my knees, emotionally anyway, in this meditation.

During the morning’s check in, I told everyone that how I’d like to sign a lease to stay here and that my husband could come here too.  One of my teachers told me to realize that when you say certain things, Bali has a way of listening and making those things happen.  I think she may be on to something because I do recall telling her well over a year ago that I wished I could go to Bali with them.  She paused and looked at me seriously and said “I just have a feeling that you’ll end up in Bali with us someday” and well, here I am.

All this to say I’m having a great time.  I feel peaceful and yet energized.

I moved into a new place.  Before, I was in a nice cottage in a place that was kind of like a tourist camp.  For any readers who were in Peace Corps with me in The Gambia, it was a lot like Tendaba, where we did our training.  There is a swimming pool, a common area for dining, and lots of nice folks who work there.  It is kind of an all-in-one type of place. The best part is they even have Wi-Fi that is faster than the Wi-Fi at my house in Seattle!  But that place quickly became old, just as Tendaba did years ago.  I paid lot for the room, for Ubud standards.  What really got to me was that my bathroom floor was always wet, with a giant murky puddle right in front of the sink.  Now I know this is the tropics and there are bugs, mice, mean dogs, and so on.  But really?  A big nasty puddle that doesn’t even get cleaned up?  When most bathrooms here are designed with a drain in the floor for this very reason?  Ew.  I continally forgot about and stepped in the standing water while brushing my teeth.  Another issue with the bathroom was that it shared walls with bathrooms for the guests on either side of me.  Thin walls.  In the tropics.  I’ll just leave it at that.

Although this is the high season for tourism, I tried my luck and walked all over in hopes of finding a different place.  After checking out many guest houses, homestays and villas (all full), I nearly gave up.  But then I found this wonderful guest house.  It is half the cost of my room at the other place and yes, I have my own HOUSE.  Sweet!  So I can make my own coffee and enjoy a puddle free bathroom.    The house is owned by a very nice man named Made (mah-deh, one of the most common names here which means second born child.) He is a painting professor and got his MFA in Florida. At the front of the compound is his art gallery and his art studio and in the back are several guest houses.  If you’ve been reading all my posts you’ll realize by now that I am quite enamored with rice fields and lucky me, I have a beautiful view of them right outside the door.

Entrance to the guest house

Main room.

Here is the little yoga room

Kitchen, complete with bunch of yummy bananas!

Steep steps upstairs. Left knee is not digging on these steps!

Bedroom.

Upstairs balcony with view of the rice field.

Another balcony view of the rice field.

Feelin' pretty happy!

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Yoga daze

§ August 3rd, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Uncategorized, Yoga § Tagged , , § 1 Comment

Well I’m now training with my teachers again and how quickly the tone of my time here has shifted.  Having something to fill up my time creates a whole new feel.  And yet saying that yoga “fills my time” doesn’t seem to adequately explain how this practice feeds me, informs me and peaks my curiousity like no other.  Still, while in a tropical locale for several weeks, it is helpful to have hours of the day in which I need to be somewhere doing something.  The leisure time by the pool becomes more relaxing, the solo dinners offer an opporunity to review anatomy information.

There are 9 other students here, but most of them have been in Bali for 7 weeks now as they are taking the complete teacher training course.  I started it in Seattle some time ago and opted to come to Bali for a few weeks to complete the hours (Hey, why not?).  The other students are very nice, and one of them I know from Seattle classes.  The group, overall, is quite young with some of the students in college undergrad.  They have clearly come to know one another well but greeted me with such authentic excitement that I immeditately felt warmly included.  My teachers seem to be right at home here in Bali, as they have often said in their studio in Seattle.  It is wonderful to be with them in this space overlooking lush fields- it is so different then their Seattle studio right in the University district where they have to warn to be careful when walking to your car at night and the fire station across the street is constantly blaring the fire truck sirens.  And yet, their studio in Seattle seems to fits right in the gritty city and just the same, their studio here fits in the calm and serene island of Bali.

The beautiful practice space at Bob & Ki's.

We do yoga asana, meditation and pranayaya from 9-12 and then break until 4, when we then get together again for anatomy lesson for about 1.5 hour.  We finish at just before 6 and it becomes dark at just a bit after 6.  Thus, it was nearly dark once I walked back to my cottage.

Last night I imagined there were all sorts of things I could do, like go into town to see dancing or go to the movie night at a yoga studio in Ubud.  But I barely had the energy to shower and have a quiet dinner next door.  I reviewed the anatomy lesson but didn’t have the brain power to do the homework, which I plan to complete during today’s afternoon break.  I then came back to my room and fell asleep before 9 pm.  I woke up at 10:30 to gusts of rain beating down on the roof.  This has happened quite a bit, which is interesting as Bali is supposedly in the dry season right now.

Today I am going to look into staying at a different place because there are many options.  The place I’m staying now is quite nice but also rather expensive.  One of the other students asked if I’d be interested in staying in her bungalow, which I may check out but I am also really enjoying this feel of living alone for a few weeks.  During my walk through the rice fields from yoga, I noticed some beautiful places to stay right in the fields close to the canal that runs along to irrigate the fields.  What a peaceful area!  And also, I think it would feel more rural and authentic, near Balinese compounds rather than near many other tourist homestays like where I am staying now.

Well it is early and time for me to get ready for today’s yoga adventure.

Ready for adventure! Well, ready for calm, quiet adventure anyway.

Om shanti!

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The first few days

§ August 2nd, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Yoga § Tagged , , , § 1 Comment

My first two days in Bali have been incredibly relaxing.  My yoga classes with Bob and Ki begin Monday morning, so it has been nice to have the weekend to settle in.  I didn’t make much for plans and simply aimed to  adjust to the time difference and get my bearings within the town of Ubud.  I think I have settled in alright with the time change, although I do get very sleepy in the afternoon.  As for finding my bearings within Ubud and the surrounding areas, I have started to do that.  However, there are the roads and transport you can take and then there are paths you can take along the rice fields.  I’m more interested in walking along in the rice fields so this is going to take some ongoing learning!

I am staying a bit west of the center of town, in a nice area full of rice fields.  There are many nice people, a central area where I can get food, drinks and use wi-fi and also ask many questions of the Balinese (I have done that a lot).  The best part, and the main reason I’m staying in this place, is that here is also a pool!  My room is very lovely and much larger then I really need.  I have a giant bed that makes me feel like a princess.  My favorite part about where I’m staying is that right outside the door are the rice fields.  At night, I hear frogs, geckos and crickets.

The princess bed in my room.

Nearby ricefield

I’ve walked around town enough to kind of get my bearings.  My first day I allowed myself to become lost over and over again, then stop and look at a map, slowly finding where I was and discovering where I wanted to go.  While this process is a bit painful, I’ve used it every time I’ve moved into a new place and usually use it on accident.  It was rather liberating to just allow myself to be lost.

Statue of Ganesh through a doorway along a busy street in Ubud.

Peeing children fountain in Ubud with ricefields in the background.

During my wanderingsI found a place where I got not just a massage but a plethora of other things.  I was ridiculously pampered with a body steam, a massage, facial, body scrub, moisture treatment and finally, a rose petal bath.  Is that not just way over the top?  I felt it was, but I enjoyed it all the same.  Massages and other spa services are quite inexpensive here and can be found all over the place.  I went to the spa next to my cottage today for a short but intense shoulder massage and a pedicure.  Massages 2 days in a row… I’m sure anyone reading this is jealous now!

One of my favorite things about Bali is that there are pieces of the religion all over and it is clearly part of day-to-day life.  Although Indonesia is almost all Muslim, the island of Bali has retained its Hindu religion.  So this means that the gods and goddesses are all over.  The Balinese worship the trinity of Brahman (the creator), Shiva (the destroyer) and Vishnu (the preserver).  People make offerings to statues and to their shops, small squares of leaf filled with food and incense.  They also take fabric and wrap them around the statued deities, as if the statues are wearing little skirts.  (I asked one Balinese why this is and he said “Its what we do”  I then asked “Is is a way of showing respect?” and he said “Yes”).

Goddess statue with fabric.

Statue holding offerings.

Another favorite thing, besides the beauty and the rich spirituality is that the people are very nice.  I know I just arrived and it is likely that there are cultural nuances about which I am completely clueless.  But still, as far as I can tell the Balinese are friendly, calm and sweet.  Also, they do have amazing posture, as my teacher Bob has often said.  Compared to other places I’ve traveled, especially traveling solo as a white woman, I’m really not bothered too much by people.  They are appropriately friendly, but not intrusive in any way.  Walking by groups of men, they often say Hello! or ask if I’d like a taxi but if I say “Hello.  No thank you.” then they are done.  I noticed one word I kept hearing quite a bit and one man today said it to me as I walked by and asked if I knew the word.  I told him I didn’t know it, and what did it mean, figuring I’d learn how to say “How are you” or something.  He told me it means “Pretty Lady”, which was sweet but I still didn’t need to pay him to drive me anywhere!  People also seem to like tattoos a lot here, so I get a lot of quiet comments on my arm, usually someone touching their own arm and saying “Nice!”.  That is even more polite than what happens sometimes in the states, when a total stranger comes up to me and starts petting my arm!

I’ve been reading over my yoga manual, which is full of wonderful information.  In regards to regular practice, it says that it is better to practice a little bit each day than to have one long practice once a week.  Thus, I’ve been doing short (30 minutes or so) asana practices and meditations both in the morning and at night since arriving here.  Of course, once my yoga training starts it will be hours upon hours of practice- asana in the morning and anatomy lessons in the afternoons.

Until next time, OM shanti shanti shanti!

Traveling solo

§ August 1st, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Meditation § Tagged , , § No Comments

The beauty! Ah!

I have traveled alone before, but not quite like this.  I have been lucky enough to spend long periods of time living abroad (in Finland, in Costa Rica and in The Gambia).  In all of those places I was associated with a school or an organization of some kind which quickly introduced me to a cohort: folks like me who were living far from home and eager for experience and adventure.  In those places, I met some of my closest and most unlikely friends.  Sharing such an experience together forged very close bonds that I still cherish today.  This blog is a testament to that, as an old Kiwi friend I knew from Finland 15 years ago emailed me my lost blogs she was able to copy from her google reader (thanks again, Angela!).

While I value these relationships more than I can explain, it seems both timely and helpful that I am on this short trip alone.  As I wandered around Ubud yesterday, I recalled times in the past when I’ve traveled alone.  I had fun, chose what I wanted to do and yet quickly found other people to spend my time with rather than spending time alone.  At times I felt nervous being alone, self conscious and restless as if my solitude was demonstrating to those around me that I was not pleasant company to keep.  During this trip, I am seeing the true benefit of traveling alone.  Sure, I periodically turn as if expecting to see my husband next to me, or think of a joke to tell him, and it is sad.  However, this solitude makes being fully present very attainable.  I’m tired, I sleep.  I’m awake, I do yoga.  I’m ready to do something, I go walking.  This is all very simple but something that feels hard to grasp in my Seattle life.  So why is that?

Distractions.

Distractions about in our busy Western world.  Facebook, reality television, cinemas, pubs, cell phone rings, text messages, working overtime, laundry, novels…the list goes on.  Some of these things are necessary and part of surviving.  I can’t just say “Oh I don’t like the cell phone, I”m just going to ignore it”  when my job requires that I be available by phone quite easily (sometimes I forget to turn it back on after yoga class, which is embarrassing for me and really annoying to everyone else).  So what purpose do all of these distractions serve? Surely they are not all necessary, for at some point they become habits and they serve to keep the difficult things at bay.  Difficult things?  Yes, things like the inevitability of death.

My old meditation teachers asserted that one of the most powerful meditations is the meditation on death.  To ground yourself when feeling sharp anger towards a loved one, simply imagine what your world would be like if that person were to die today.  With such a difficult but totally possible thought, we can quickly be reminded about what is important.  Does it matter that so-and-so said this-and-that?  Maybe not so much.  Perhaps then an issue blown out of proportion can become a reason for discussion but not a reason to say regrettable and untrue things in anger.  An old friend of mine said a similar thing about difficult people.  When she becomes frustrated with someone, she simply imagines what they must have been like as a toddler: cute, bumbling, adorably helpless.  This is perhaps a more accessible way to consider others, as death can be hard to imagine, bringing up grief from past losses.

I have a lot of distractions.  Some of them are necessary for keeping my life together- everything involved with work and my home life.  Some distractions I really enjoy but they also help me to feel closer to people and give me something to talk about with them.  While this isn’t essential, it is important.  Other distractions, I know, keep me from really considering everything.  Some days I come home from work and just want to turn my brain off.  I don’t want to think about the weight of responsibilities or the sadness and suffering of the people we serve at my place of employment.  Instead, I want to watch TV on DVD and eat popsicles.  This desire for turning my brain off is likely the biggest hazard of my job and I imagine that I am not the only social worker who has felt that way.

This brings to mind another lesson from a meditation class- if you are tired, then really rest.  Don’t half-rest with distractions, watching TV about things you don’t really care about or read a silly novel you’ll forget 2 days after finishing it.  Instead, really rest.  Sleep. Lie down.  Then consciously return to an awakened and mindful state.  Do things intentionally: cook a meal with intention and mindfulness, practice your asana, sit and meditate.

I packed lightly for this trip, only bringing 4 books: my yoga training notebook written by Ki McGraw, The Anatomy of Movement, The Upanishads and a guidebook on Bali.  I love to read so this was a challenge but I don’t want to spend my trip reading silly novels.  I allowed myself a novel on the airplane, but want to spend this time studying yoga texts and learning more about anatomy.  I’ve had a reaction to it as an addict would- searching for novels to read as I walk around, bargaining with myself.  Restless and yet extremely tired from a long walk around town in the sun, I resigned myself to reading the Upanishads rather than mindless dribble and opened up to the Katha, the section of the Upanishads about the reality of death.  In this text, a precocious teenager named Nachiketa meets death and is granted 3 boons from death.  One of his wishes is to know what happens after a person dies, which death is very reluctant to share with him.  But Nachiketa proves that he is committed to realizing his knowledge and denies the offers from death to instead take wordly pleasures rather than to be told about the secrets of death.  Nachiketa says to death:

These pleasures last but until tomorrow,

And they wear out the vital powers of life.

How fleeting is all life on earth!  Therefore

Keep your horses and chariots, dancing

And music, for yourself.  Never can mortals

Be made happy by wealth.  How can we be

Desirous of wealth when we see your face

And know we cannot live while you are here?

Death is impressed by the young man’s devotion and that he has “turned [his] back on the way of the world/ That makes mankind forget the goal of life.”

So what is the goal of life?  According to the Katha, it is to realize the self.  In a following passage we are reminded of the purpose of life and the need for wise teachings:

Get up!  Wake up!  Seek the guidance of an

Illumined teacher and realize the Self.

Sharp like a razor’s edge, the sages say,

Is the path, difficult to traverse.

So this is why I’m here and why it is actually quite helpful that I am here alone for these next few weeks.  Perhaps I’ve lost touch somewhat with myself.  Perhaps I’ve become too distracted, or perhaps too weighed down by stresses, or a combination of the two.  When I feel light, when I feel in line with what is true, it is with my teachers and through my devotion to the eight limbs of yoga.  I will not reject the life I’ve laid out for myself for my relationships, my career and my family are all extremely important and also offer valuable lessons.  However, I think I need a bit of recharging and refocusing.  That is why I’m here.

OM! Image taken from the website www.welicious.com

On an island, near the ricefields

§ July 31st, 2010 § Filed under Bali, Food, Yoga § Tagged , , § 1 Comment

I was so used to sitting in airplanes that a part of me was a bit sad when my last flight ended.  I know that is weird, but it was a bit nice- looking at clouds out the window, watching movies on the little screen and periodically, a nice lady plopping a tray of food or a cup of juice onto the tray.  It felt nice to be pampered on international flights for a while.  Of course, once I ventured off the plane and walked again, I was quite happy and not missing the dry, cramped air travel one bit.

I am staying in Ubud, north of the capitol of Denpasar.  A driver came to fetch me and we drove through truly terrifying traffic for about 1.5 hour until arriving in this peaceful, green place.  Really, you could not convince me to drive in this place unless it was really quite serious.  First of all, people drive on the left side of the road.  Although I’ve traveled a lot, this is the first time in a left-side-driving land.  I looked quite the idiot when I tried to hop in the driver’s seat and the nice driver said “This is my side!”  Besides cars and minivans driving, there are many, many people on motorbikes driving as though they have bubbles on invincibility protecting them.  They weave in and out of lines of cars, zig zag to the sides of the roads and stop when they are about 1 cm away from something.  Last, there is a lot of trust in the break.  Even if there are clearly many autmobiles stopped ahead, it is best, it seems to just trust that the break will take care of us once we are directly upon the stopped traffic.  Other than that, We Go Fast!

To say it is beautiful here is like saying my cat Bob is cute.  It just doesn’t explain it well enough.  No hyperbole can really quite capture not just the physical beauty, but also the feel of being here.  It feels so unrushed and serene and even though I only arrived last night, I already feel incredibly relaxed.  I settled into my lovely room at the cottages, where my window overlooks a ricefield.  I then cleaned up after 24 hours PLUS of air travel, so this was quite needed and I emerged a new, clean and happy person.  I had a quiet dinner in the restaurant here, plus the local lawnmower beer, and if my calculations are correct, I believe I paid 2 dollar for this?  I had a dish similar to Swimming Rama for those of you who heart the Thai food- cold peanut sauce over tofu and spinach.  But this has lots of other thing too: tempeh, tofu, spinach, fresh tomatoes, eggs, lettuce and those yummy rice-puff chips.  Sounds weird but it was incredibly tasty.  Then I put away all of my things and went to sleep. There are many sounds here, like my Seattle home.  But instead of hearing people yelling, cars honking and dog barking I heard crickets, geckos and frogs.  A nice nighttime song to lully you to sleep.

Yes, sleep!  I slept the whole night and woke at 7 am, here’s hoping that the jet lag will perhaps pass me by?  Even though I’n 15 hours ahead of Pacific west coast time here? I’ve learned a lot about melatonin at my job, a natural medicine given to folks who can’t sleep and a nice alternative to heavier drugs given for sleep (like those ones where people drive around and go shopping while asleep?  I am not interested in taking that, especially here where the driving is scary!).  The medicine mimics the body’s natural production of melatonin, the hormone in the body that says “Oh the sun is down.  Sleepy time!”.  So I did what our psychiatrist has done at work for the kids who have trouble sleeping: take a dose to become sleepy and go to sleep.  Then if you wake up in the middle of the night, take another to go back to sleep, you can do this anytime up until 5 am or so.  I woke up at 2 am, wide awake listening to the rain falling on the roof.  So I took another dose, went back to sleep and slept like a wee babe until the sun rose.  By wee babe, I guess I mean completely grown woman sleeping diagonally in a giant princess bed.  On a side note- Yes, I do miss my husband greatly and can hardly let myself think how much he’d also love it here.

So now that I’m well rested and unpacked, I have a couple of days to explore as my yoga studies start Monday morning.  My goal of today is to see the temple in town, eat some fruit, get a seriously long massage and also buy a hairbrush since I appear to have forgotten mine.

By the way, I am supposed to have WiFi here but it appears not to be working.  I’m using qumana, a program where I can update my blog off line.  I’ll be trying to sort out internet stuff today and maybe just checking it in town.  That is, unless the massage takes too long!

Until next time, Om shanti shanti!

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